Insane?

Okay all of you with 3 or more children... what's it like sharing a hotel room with a family of 5? Any tips/tricks/advice? Oh, can I mention that the oldest likes to wake before the sun, & makes a scene when sent back to bed. The middle is working on some killer (aka painful) molars & in an early waking/crying multiple times in the night due to teething pain habit. And the youngest will be 7 weeks old, she grunts & groans all night long & obviously doesn't sleep through the night, so will be up a few times to eat. The younger 2 are still in cribs. We either drag 2 pack-n-plays or teach one of them to sleep in a bed... not my ideal time/place to teach such a thing. The babe wouldn't need teaching, but would need some habit breaking once we returned home & she still longed to sleep with me.

Are we insane? I personally think that answer to that is yes, so I am pleading insanity at the time we committed to this adventure. After giving birth, reality & sanity rejoined me... I began thinking this wasn't the best choice for us & I started getting nervous. So I started thinking that the babe & I would hang back at home, sending Jeff off with the older 2. That was the plan, until a couple of hours ago... that terrible thing called a conscience got the better of me & I began suffering from that other terrible thing called guilt. For some reason I feel that all of us (possibly anyone in a hotel room on either side) suffering together is better than everyone but me & the babe. Just typing this is giving me a slight post-partum panic attack!

So I ask you again for any advice on surviving?

First Day of School

Hannah started Pre-Kindergarten on the 20th.

She was excited...

Combined with a little bit of nerves, but once she walked in she didn't look back.

I didn't cry, but there were tears I choked back as I walked away from her classroom.

She loved it & is excited to go back...

But she did inform me that she cried a little bit, because she wanted to come home!

(That made me feel good that she wasn't so thrilled to be free of me yet.)

Sisters

Hannah has this thing with sisters. She used to hold out her hand while we were curled up in her bed before her nap & say "Sisters?"
That was my cue to confirm this by holding her hand and saying "Sisters!"

I have been replaced & Hannah finally has herself a genuine sister!

(I love color, but there is something lovely & classic about these done in B&W.)

A Good Reminder

I was catching up on blogs today & read this lovely post. After wiping away the tears & snot I made a vow...
I vow to slow down & enjoy the current season I am in with my young family. Even if some situations aren't ideal, this includes & is not limited to...

The fact that someone depends on my body for their nutritional needs, despite how time consuming & sleep depriving that need is... (this is something that actually doesn't bother me other than those nights that we are up more than 3 times.)
Enjoying that I can't pee in peace, I'll appreciate the fact that someone loves me enough to follow me with a big grin.

Not being able to sit & enjoy a meal when it's warm/fresh at a normal time with my hands, lap & plate to myself... it's okay if I don't eat breakfast until 10:30, because time hasn't allowed. Or eating gelatinous oatmeal, a cold pancake or cold dinner. It's great that my kids love me so much that they insist on being right at my feet, begging for a bite.
I'll take the opportunity to step away & go sit when someone asks to be held, even if it is my 4 year old.. who doesn't like to cuddle & be held!? And I'll actively listen to every long & drawn out story no matter how strange or silly.

I'll try to take a step back & take a deep breath before reacting when my children show throw fits & remember that they are showing their independence... giving them the chance to learn & grow.

Perhaps I'll even try to enjoy the insanely early hour that my Hannah wakes up because she can't sleep & says she can't turn her brain off. She has such a love for life that she can't help but wake up early, excited to start each day & see what it holds... I could try to have that same zest for life! (Then again, perhaps that's too much to commit to right now!)
Even though I've been reminded before how fast kids grow up & I try to enjoy the greasy fingerprints on windows & doors. I try to enjoy the dust that collects, & the exhaustion that settles into my bones, because babies grow up & I'll have the rest of my life to clean & sleep. I vow to just love everything about this time, because it will pass me by before I know it. Yes, I'll probably have to make this same vow again, but I'm happy to have the reminder today.

Growing Up...

Today Milo asked to watch his elephant show (Bindi the Jungle girl... the elephant episode, the only thing he'll sit through.) I told him he could watch it in just a minute after I cleaned up the lunch mess. He followed me in the kitchen & began counting... with each number I'm sure my eyes got bigger & my jaw dropped more. He counted all the way to 6! It was so bittersweet, because I was so impressed but also saddened that he is growing up.

Photo Shoot

Today one of my favorite people in Oklahoma got to meet Vivien. My friend Kristen has been out of town since right before she arrived. Kristen also happens to be the photographer behind Boys N Berries Photography, & she gave me a wonderful gift a while back... a newborn photo shoot.
You can see a sneak peek from the shoot here.

(I'll of course post some of them here eventually, but thought I'd share some now.)

Week 2...

Perhaps it is more like weak x 2... because I am feeling like an emotional weakling. It's a good thing my mom is here for 2 weeks after having my babies, because my kids would be in some sad hands if it were just me here. The weekend was a little rough & sad, but things improved the 2nd half of the week.

The way I was feeling Tuesday was a complete turn around from my baby blue state all weekend & carrying into Monday. Tuesday afternoon we were going to go to Sonic for happy hour, but my mom had previously mentioned going to Pops, & so we opted to go there instead. It was a great way to kill some time this afternoon. It would have been even better if it was a little cooler & less humid, but it's August in Oklahoma.

On Wednesday I took Vivien to her 2 week check up. She was still measuring 20 inches long, her head was 141/2, and was up to 8 lb 2 oz (she was 7.12 when we left the hospital). I asked the Dr. about her belly button (her umbilical stump is off, but her belly button is bleeding a bit) & she is having me clean it with peroxide & then alcohol 2 or 3 times a day. Other than that, she is doing great!

Thursday was the dreaded day... the day my mom left! BOO HOO! It was very sad, & I had to try to keep my mind elsewhere all day & not even bring up her departure. Sure enough all those tears I had been holding back all day came on strong when I went to say goodbye. I am so blessed to have a mom that could take the time off work to come help me with my family as we adjust to the new baby. I can't imagine making the transition without her 2 weeks of support... (although I really could have used the 3 or 4 extra days that she gave me with Milo.) Thank You Mom!!! Your help & more importantly your company will be missed!!

Friday has come (not sure if this would be the beginning of week 3 or still part of week 2) & the house seems quiet & lonely without my mom. The baby blues have returned for an unannounced & uninvited visit. Luckily my kids have been relatively pleasant today & Jeff came home early (YIPPEE... things are so much easier with support). We all ventured out to Sam's Club to grab a few things, & I was reminded that I am not ready to go alone with all 3 kids just yet. Combine that with a fabulous meal brought in by a friend & I'd say it was a day of over-rated reality combined with moments where my heart was full of gratitude for a great AND helpful husband & great friends who can cook!

Vivien is still not showing a whole lot of rhyme or reason for her eating schedule, or perhaps I'm just not keeping good enough track to see if there is a pattern. Yes, I know that I could go & put her on a schedule but she has been giving me 4-6 hour stretches at night & I love it. So I am afraid if I mess with the day schedule she'll change the nights on me. I am sure this little "honeymoon" phase will end soon & I'll decide a schedule is in order, but until then we are going to just enjoy what we have going!

The kids still love her... Hannah is always asking to hold her & is more than willing to do anything I ask if it involves her "baby sister." Milo continues to shower her with kisses & I usually get one kiss for every 2 he gives the baby. Hopefully things will continue to go good with the older 2, especially now that Mimaw is gone!

Our First Week...

This week has gone fast & is a bit of a blur, there's not much to report...

Viv did great her first night, because of the late hour of her arrival & my pure exhaustion I did take advantage of the nursery. Saturday was spent trying to nap, but between visits from the pediatrician, Viv's hearing test, hospital photos, & other visitors there was not as much sleeping as I wanted or needed. We had some friends who would have liked to visit, but I really was not feeling up to visitors. Saturday night was not as good as the previous night. I sent her to the nursery again, but they brought her to me around 2:30 & she wanted to eat/latch for about 4 hours. I was so tired & delirious the next morning, & I feared having to go home today.

When my Dr. showed up. He said he came by yesterday but I was asleep so he didn't stay, he stayed & we chatted a bit, & I struggled to focus on our conversation. He mentioned it being discharge day & while choking back tears I made mention of being so tired & not ready to go home. He took my emotional state as a sign of post-partum & asked how I was after my other two kids, & said there are some options to help cope if needed. I said that I usually just have the typical 2 week baby blues, so I would wait until I caught up on some sleep. His visit was followed by the visit from the. My nurse came in shortly after informing me that both doctors had approved discharge, but I could decide when in the day that would occur... the tears came! I debated on when, & after talking to Jeff we decided before the 3:00 shift change. (Looking back I should have opted for a later discharge in hopes of getting in another nap.) Thankfully we both slept Sunday night.

Monday I called to schedule her one week appointment, but our pediatrician does 2 week appointment, so we didn't venture out for that... we didn't venture out for anything! Poor Mimaw had to make a last minute trip to the dentist on Thursday, just what everyone wants while away from home!

The week was spent taking lots of naps for baby & mommy... lots of entertaining of the other 2 munchkins done by Mimaw (THANK HEAVENS!!) Aunt Harmony was here until Tuesday afternoon, so Monday & Tuesday my mom & sister were brave enough to venture out with 2 kids. Mimaw said she wasn't sure she would be up to going out without the extra set of hands (I don't blame her.) She did great at keeping them entertained.

I really can't get over how tired I am this time around! If I would have delivered at an earlier hour this recovery would have been so much easier, but the exhaustion only seems to add to my emotional meltdowns... I am sad at the thought of my mom leaving in a week... I know that I'll have to do this alone, but not sure how that will happen... YIKES!!

Vivien has done great this week. She did have some longer nights every other night for the first a few days, but that has passed for now. She tends to go a long time between feedings & so there were times I would even wake her up to feed her, which is something I hate doing. I was afraid that she would try to make up on feedings in the middle of the night, but it didn't seem to matter. She has been a great eater. She goes a long time between feedings, but they are long feedings... about 90 minutes. So when the feedings get closer together they will get shorter. I'm sure in the next week she'll become more alert & want to eat more often.

The Long Labor of Vivien

*I know there are only about 3 people who are interested in reading this, but I wanted to have the detailed story for a journal record. This has taken me so long to type up, there were a lot of hours spent in labor & it seemed a lot of events that took place in those hours, but thanks to the great notes my mom took it is pretty accurate.*

Thursday afternoon I got a call from the hospital telling me to call before coming in for my 5:30 am induction... I had been afraid of getting bumped. That afternoon we kept just as busy as we had been that morning... looking back I realize that the 2 nights of little sleep combined with a very busy day was not a great thing, being well rested is good advice before giving birth. Thursday night was another night of very little sleep, my alarm was set for 4:30 but I gave up on trying to sleep & got up at 4:00. I took a nice long shower before calling the hospital, & being told to wait until 7:00, because they didn't have enough nurses until then. Sleep was still not an option, so I finished packing my bag, hopped online for a bit & had some breakfast.

By 7:40 we were in our room & I was all hooked up to my pitocin drip & dilated to 3 cm. Jeff left around 8:00 to go back home, he called around 9:30 asking if I was ready for him to come up with my mom & sister. He dropped the kids off at the home a very kind & generous women from church (she was going to watch them so my mom & sister could be there for Vivien's grand entrance) before heading back to the hospital.

I was checked again at 11:00 and was a tight 4, this was going to be another typical slow labor for me. I knew things would go faster once my water was broken, so we would just have to wait for my Dr. to come by & break it. At this point I was hoping for a visit during the office lunch hour, but we weren't really sure when he would be by. I was feeling my contractions at this point & having a bit of back labor. Around 11:45 I did ask to be put on the list for an epidural. We waited for the nurse to return & give us an idea of when the anesthesiologist would be here...
The nurse didn't come back until 1:00 & informed us that he just went in for a c-section & would be in after that, & it would be about 45 minutes. Being that my contractions were getting even more intense combined with the slight anxiety I get before my epidural I opted to be given a narcotic so I could rest & relax a little. Everyone was hungry & had been debating on leaving to get lunch or sending someone to grab something. I told them to just leave, because I didn't want any yummy smells around when all I got was ice chips. They hesitated a bit & even though I was nervous to not have Jeff back for the placement of my epidural I told them to just go, & I would call my friend Mary to come hold my hand. The nurse came in & gave me a dose of Nubain, & things just didn't matter after that.

Before I could call Mary she sent me a text message saying she was on her way... I assumed that Jeff had called her, but come to find out he hadn't. Mary got there & I tried to really hard to focus on stringing a normal sentence together without looking too out of it (I'm sure I didn't succeed.) Jeff, my mom & Harmony got back from their lunch at Poblano Grill just in time for the anesthesiologist to arrive at 2:27 to place my epidural.

The Dr. only allows one person in the room for the placement (in case something goes wrong he doesn't want a bunch of people in the way.) He also requires that the one person sits down, so I really could have done it alone, since my FABULOUS nurse Leslie was the one to stand next to me & keep me distracted. My mom, Harmony & Mary all went into the hall to wait, that was until some cranky nurse informed them that they couldn't stand there (they were in the way... & it was a safety thing in case something went wrong... lots of precautions for things going wrong!) so they headed to the waiting room. Jeff & the anesthesiologist were chatting it up & once it was placed Jeff was able to go back behind me by the Dr. where he explained the process & then injected the actual medicine into my epidural. At which point my blood pressure took a bit of a crash, & even though I didn't actually pass out I was very confused & heard the Dr. tell the nurse to lie me down quickly. I then couldn't keep my eyes open, but could hear some of what was going on... and I could hear the Dr. & nurse go about busily getting different medicines in me. Jeff & the Dr. continued to chat it up during this time, mostly about iphones... how typical of men... hehe. It was about 3:15 before I was stabilized & Leslie checked me again & stripped my membranes, I was a 5. At about 3:30 everyone was allowed back in the room, & between the blood pressure issue & the epidural I was really shaky... it was kind of strange.
Sometime around 5:00 the nurse & I were thinking that Dr. G might be coming around soon since he had to be finished with clinic. I was a little freaked out, because I was so tired! The thought of him coming in & breaking my water & things finally progressing quickly... I wasn't sure I had the energy in me to do my part. I wasn't even sure that an adrenaline rush would help me. Oh the anxiety & panic! I had been trying to catch naps throughout the day with no luck.

Leslie came back at 6:15 to check me again, & I was still a 5. It seemed as though everyone else was more frustrated by this news than me. The thing that I kept thinking about was how Sister Cotten still had Hannah & Milo. I really had thought I would have delivered her by now, but without my water breaking or having been broke that isn't going to happen. She said that my Dr. would be here soon, & she would be back with the new nurse around 7:00 because it's shift change. I was very sad that she was leaving, we've had a great 12 hours together!
Dr. G came in at 7:10 & broke my water. He said that she would be here in 1-4 hours. We all were thinking closer to the 1 hour. I was hoping things would start moving along. My step-dad called, all my family in Utah is together celebrating Pioneer Day & they are very anxious, & they are going to be lighting fireworks probably around the time Vivi makes her appearance. Listening to everyone being frustrated & anxious makes me hate that everyone knows I am being induced. There is something about the way we did it with Hannah, induction with no one knowing. I was lucky enough to get to eat a couple of grape popcicles. I was thinking that they had given me some energy, but the nurse said that they had given me a bag of sugar water between bags of saline.

At 8:00 the nurse came in & changed the bed around to put me in what she called "the chicken wing" position in hopes to get her to turn into the anterior position, she is turned & facing my right side. So me on my side in this silly position will help encourage her to turn. I stayed in this position for about 30 minutes & the nurse came in & had me switch sides. I was still very shaky & my mom kept asking if I was cold. I had also been very itchy, so my mom & Harmony took turns rubbing & scratching my back.
At 8:55 the nurse came back to check me & see if this helped encourage the baby to move. I was a 6 and 80-90% effaced, & Viv had turned a little bit... she is a stubborn little thing! The nurse asked if my other kids had hair, she thinks this one might be bald... that seems so strange after all the hair Milo had. Once again everyone else seemed so much more frustrated than me. At some point Jeff had asked if they could just go in & yank her out... I wanted to slap him!! I'm the one stuck in this bed, hungry & tired! The nurse asked if I had napped today, & I told her I had tried, but no luck. She suggested I try to get some rest, because often times once the body relaxes it will get those last few centimeters. So everyone left shortly after 9:00 so I could rest.

While they were out waiting & allowing me to rest Jeff had called to check on the kids & let the Cotten's know it was still a long wait. They were going to take the kids back to our house to put them down, but decided they would just keep them at their house. I was feeling so bad for this long day for my kids & the Cotten's. But I was so glad they were where they are, because I knew they were in great hands.

Somewhere between all the rotating & being checked for progress the nurse decided that maybe the baby wasn't bald, but perhaps when my bag of waters was broken the baby's head got down & blocked off the bag. So the nurse realized this & managed to get the rest of the water released so perhaps she could get into position. I was able to rest & fell asleep for a little while, but was still being rotated side to side in the chicken wing. I was starting to feel a little too much pressure from the contractions & even though I had been pushing the epidural button every little bit for the last hour or two, the pressure was slowly turning into pain. I informed the nurse of this, but she didn't seem too concerned.

Around 10:00 the nurse came in & my epidural pump was beeping. She looked at the line & the site... tried to reset it, but it wouldn't reset, so she asked the nurses station what the deal with the pump was & to call the anesthesiologist. Now she was really wondering with me saying that I was in a bit of pain. I told her I was feeling a lot of pressure & so she checked me again & I was dilated to an 8 1/2-9 and I could tell that my upper abdomen felt empty, like she was down in position (finally!) Vivien had in fact turned into position, but as soon as the nurse announced that, Viv scooted to the top of my abdomen! What a little stink!!

We spent the next 30 minutes dealing with the epidural pump, but still no word from the anesthesiologist. She called the nurses station & within minutes her phone rang, it was the anesthesiologist & he was there shortly there after. They turned my bed into yet another strange position & had me sitting upright hoping that gravity would finish the job. During this time I sent a text Jeff informing him of my progress & that the epidural wasn't working. So he, my mom & sister came back up. The anesthesiologist was there trying to make sure that my line was working, which it was, but the pumps have issues & decide to stop working. So they have to be unplugged/turned off & then reset. But now that things were progressing things needed to get going quickly so he just injected my epidural line with a straight shot of something to get it working faster.

*Things went really fast here & no notes were kept because of the busyness of the room*

By about 10:45 the nurse had told Dr. G about my progress & he said he would be in shortly. The nurse had me do a few pushes & sure enough I was at a 10, things were going to happen & soon. Being told that the Dr. was 15 minutes away she had me push a few times & she told me that she had hair & I was ready. As we waited & waited for Dr. G to arrive, he called and said he was pulling off the turnpike & would be there in a couple of minutes (he really did get parked & up there quick!) As I waited I joked that he better come in running & out of breathe. The nurse said if I was feeling a huge desire to push that my Dr. didn't have a problem with the nurse delivering, but I knew I could wait. I was weepy & shaky... weepy partly because of the pain I had been feeling previously, but mostly because of the exhaustion. I wasn't sure any amount of adrenaline would help me.

Dr. G got there sometime between 11:05 - 11:10 & quickly got washed & gloved up. He sat down saw that this wasn't going to take long, & asked Jeff if he was up for delivering the baby. Jeff went over washed up & got gloved, there was not enough time for Jeff to even get gowned. Dr. G kept telling him to hurry. So he took his spot to deliver our sweet Vivien, & it didn't take more than 3 or 4 pushes to get her here. They placed her on my tummy & I was able to hold her there longer than they let me with my other kids. I appreciated this moment!
I didn't feel the same adrenaline pumping through my veins I had with my other 2 kids. I felt completely overwhelmed by exhaustion. By the time they got her all cleaned up, weighed, tested & brought her to me it was all I could do to hold her. My arms were so tired & weak. I was very nauseous & still so shaky. Dr G. had the nurse give me a shot in my thigh of phenergan to help with the nausea & to help me get some much needed rest. (I was not so thrilled about the shot, but luckily my legs were still numb enough. I will note that my thigh hurt for days!!) Before leaving Dr G made mention of the nursery at the hospital & perhaps I would/should take advantage of it... which I did! After a long 16 hours in the hospital my 8 lb 1 oz bundle was here & in my arms! I am always amazed at the immediate love I have for my kids... and it was no different with my little Viv. I look forward to the lifetime of being her mommy & watching her take her place in our little family!

These last few are out of order, but I wanted to add them.

Sleepy Days...

For obvious reasons I am still not among the land of the blogging...
Heck, I'm barely among the land of the living!!

I usually don't start my post partum days this far behind on sleep, but due to some late nights, pregnancy insomnia & delivering baby 3 later than my other kids, it has made for a real struggle with exhaustion. Plus my sweet little Viv is keeping me up ever other night & that is making it hard to try to catch up on that much needed sleep.

But look at that face... she is so worth it!!

Obviously I'm not the only one feeling tired!
Amen Viv, Amen!