**Disclaimer: This post is long & I do ramble... I don't need people convincing me of things, I just wanted to document my random thoughts.**
This post is about me! How self absorbed am I to post about myself?
I know all family will be less than thrilled, because they come here for posts about my little people.
Moving on...
This evening Jeff was at a meeting, the house was quiet, & I stood over the sink washing dishes... by hand! It started out just washing the things that don't go in the dishwasher, but I was deep in thought & got carried away (hahaha... carried away doing dishes, sorry that's funny.) I was thinking about my love of cooking & wondering if it's cooking I love or just using my hands. I mean, here I was washing dishes & I think I might have been enjoying it. (No, I will not come over & do your dishes!)
I feel as though I am coming out of this fog, a pregnancy/post postpartum fog. This fog seems to take over & throw me into auto pilot for about a year. It's an okay thing, well I can say that now that I'm here... but don't ask Jeff's opinion. I digress. I am back in manual mode & I feel like me again.
Over the last few days I have spent all of my quiet moments (nap times, evening) thinking, no pondering, about myself (I know, more of that self absorbed stuff.) Wondering what I am to do with myself. I often wonder about my talents, I know that I was given talents just like everyone else (or perhaps I was sick on that day in the pre-existence) but I am just not sure of what those talents are. I tend to get frustrated with myself & my lack of talents (or knowledge of them.) I have amazing friends, who also happen to be amazingly talented. I would tell you all about them & their creativity, but this post is about me. So here I am surrounded by amazingly talented women that I look up to & turn to for advice & support, & I wonder... I hope that I offer something to them. I want to offer more, but what?
I've always loved to cook/bake. You wouldn't know it if you were here at dinner time. Getting dinner on the table with little people under foot is like a mad dash for a finish line. Dinner prep usually starts with excitement & ends with a little chaos. Often times I sit at the table at the end of dinner a bit frustrated, because despite all the thought, recipe hunting, prep, love, time & hope for a success that went into the recipe, the delivery wasn't quite right. Or as often times, it was a little under appreciated.
A few weeks ago I realized WHY I loved it. I noticed this intense desire to get into the kitchen at the end of a long/hard day, when my kiddos are asleep I long to go into the kitchen & create! Cooking is my therapy! Often times it is just baking something simple & classic like cookies. But going through the motions, alone with my thoughts, baking/cooking... it's wonderful. There is a finished product, sometimes better than others. Cooking brings me joy & a bit of peace... is that strange?! The problem this poses is the baked goods will sit & go bad if no one consumes them. Hot out of the oven is always best, but can I knock on doors at 9 or 10 to give these goods away? So these evening therapy sessions aren't helping me shed my postpartum poundage.
I want a hobby... something I enjoy, but I don't want it to ever feel like work or a job. I want to do it as much or as little as I desire. I used to think owning a restaurant or bakery would be fun, but I fear it would eventually feel like a job & I have a job! Mother to Hannah, Milo & Vivien... and it's a great gig!
Halfway through the dishes my thoughts reminded of this place in SLC I have always wanted to go to... One World Cafe. I remember when I heard about it, I was fascinated. A cafe where the menu changes daily, based on what they felt like cooking. That is something I would do... very non-committal, go with how you feel!
As I finished up the dishes I wondered if it is cooking I love or just the idea of accomplishing something while I am in this somewhat peaceful state of mind. Perhaps these thoughts are just the result of the fog having lifted. I need to take advantage & find myself a hobby & perhaps find my talent in the process.
I wanted to document these strange thoughts into equally strange ramblings. If to do nothing more than to say I feel like me again, I am back... and the dishes are done! My thoughts brought me no clarity, I am off to bed... but not before taking a delicious glance around my clean kitchen before turning out the lights.
I feel as though I am coming out of this fog, a pregnancy/post postpartum fog. This fog seems to take over & throw me into auto pilot for about a year. It's an okay thing, well I can say that now that I'm here... but don't ask Jeff's opinion. I digress. I am back in manual mode & I feel like me again.
Over the last few days I have spent all of my quiet moments (nap times, evening) thinking, no pondering, about myself (I know, more of that self absorbed stuff.) Wondering what I am to do with myself. I often wonder about my talents, I know that I was given talents just like everyone else (or perhaps I was sick on that day in the pre-existence) but I am just not sure of what those talents are. I tend to get frustrated with myself & my lack of talents (or knowledge of them.) I have amazing friends, who also happen to be amazingly talented. I would tell you all about them & their creativity, but this post is about me. So here I am surrounded by amazingly talented women that I look up to & turn to for advice & support, & I wonder... I hope that I offer something to them. I want to offer more, but what?
I've always loved to cook/bake. You wouldn't know it if you were here at dinner time. Getting dinner on the table with little people under foot is like a mad dash for a finish line. Dinner prep usually starts with excitement & ends with a little chaos. Often times I sit at the table at the end of dinner a bit frustrated, because despite all the thought, recipe hunting, prep, love, time & hope for a success that went into the recipe, the delivery wasn't quite right. Or as often times, it was a little under appreciated.
A few weeks ago I realized WHY I loved it. I noticed this intense desire to get into the kitchen at the end of a long/hard day, when my kiddos are asleep I long to go into the kitchen & create! Cooking is my therapy! Often times it is just baking something simple & classic like cookies. But going through the motions, alone with my thoughts, baking/cooking... it's wonderful. There is a finished product, sometimes better than others. Cooking brings me joy & a bit of peace... is that strange?! The problem this poses is the baked goods will sit & go bad if no one consumes them. Hot out of the oven is always best, but can I knock on doors at 9 or 10 to give these goods away? So these evening therapy sessions aren't helping me shed my postpartum poundage.
I want a hobby... something I enjoy, but I don't want it to ever feel like work or a job. I want to do it as much or as little as I desire. I used to think owning a restaurant or bakery would be fun, but I fear it would eventually feel like a job & I have a job! Mother to Hannah, Milo & Vivien... and it's a great gig!
Halfway through the dishes my thoughts reminded of this place in SLC I have always wanted to go to... One World Cafe. I remember when I heard about it, I was fascinated. A cafe where the menu changes daily, based on what they felt like cooking. That is something I would do... very non-committal, go with how you feel!
As I finished up the dishes I wondered if it is cooking I love or just the idea of accomplishing something while I am in this somewhat peaceful state of mind. Perhaps these thoughts are just the result of the fog having lifted. I need to take advantage & find myself a hobby & perhaps find my talent in the process.
I wanted to document these strange thoughts into equally strange ramblings. If to do nothing more than to say I feel like me again, I am back... and the dishes are done! My thoughts brought me no clarity, I am off to bed... but not before taking a delicious glance around my clean kitchen before turning out the lights.
5 comments:
Someday we'll open up a bakery together. That's what I dream about. . . sigh. . .
you've always loved to cook! I remember once in jr. high (maybe high school?) you asked for a baking mixer for either Christmas or your birthday!! not every teenager wants that.
One World Cafe is great. Not only do they have a different menu daily, but you pay what you think it's worth! or whatever you have that day.. or don't have.
I will give you an update for sure. Melissa married my cousin Dru. I really enjoy her. I just joined a co-op and it is only $15 a basket so that is exciting. My first pick-up is this Saturday. The hardest thing for me is going to be giving up my holiday cooking. I am going to have to do some major recipe revamping.
Did we talk about this that evening? You have always liked to cook, remember when all you kids had a cooking night, the nights you cooked you didn't have to do dishes. Travis was whatever was the easiest for him, Aimee was shells and cheese (we called it yellow death) and you would have full meals and a decorated table. Also when you were about 10-12 you asked for a juicer for Christmas, all your friends came by with some electronic thingy or toy and you were so proud of your juicer!!! You keep thinking and bring your recipe file when you come to Utah. I love you!
It will be a great day when your kids are a bit older and you can actually indulge in your desire to cook and bake. And they might actually enjoy your masterpieces (with kids it's never a given that they will like your absolutely delicious food that you slaved over all day, is it?).
Post a Comment